Home
We Are Pleased To Inform You That Johnny Is Under New Management
 
[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends]

Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in johnnyrattooth's LiveJournal:

    [ << Previous 20 ]
    Friday, April 17th, 2009
    3:45 pm
    Sorry livejournal, it ain't 1995 no more.
    Sunday, March 16th, 2008
    11:40 am
    Australia 2
    My weekly schedule goes like this: During the week, I
    wake up and ride over to the Rat's Nest (someone's
    garage). I chop bikes, usually working on three
    projects at once, until dark. Usually someone calls
    and says they're cooking dinner for everybody. About
    once a week there's an excuse to go out to the pub.

    On Friday we drive up into the mountains to work on
    the site. More bridge and table building, milling
    timber, and the occasional welding job. I found a guy
    with a blacksmith's forge and made a brand for the
    festival. We're making so much stuff out of wood from
    the fire. Some of the treetrunks have been left at
    bar height and we'll cut slabs of raw pine and make
    bartops out of them.

    The animals have a regular cycle, too. Early in the
    morning the Cockatoos get up, scream a lot, and fly
    around all day screaming and running errands. Around
    dusk they come close and pick a spot to do the
    evening's socializing. Usually it's the picnic area
    (lots of fruit rinds and dropped treats to find) or a
    big dead tree. Then they hang out, argue, neck, and
    squawk. At night they fly off to whereever they
    sleep.

    The kangaroos are diurnal, so they're up around dawn
    and dusk, sleeping in the bushes during the heat of
    the day. They don't have natural predators so they're
    only vaguely cautious of us. They can always run away
    faster than anything else, anyway. This makes them
    very indifferent to humans. So they graze everywhere.


    In the morning the magpies sing their morning song,
    which is very beautiful. At night the kookaburras
    start their oo-oo-oo-AHHHH-AHHHH calls (as you've
    heard sampled at the beginning of Morris Day and the
    Time's "Jungle Love"). There's also a duck pair that
    stays in the pond at night and wanders the grass
    foraging during the day.

    I'm beginning to know the particular animals. Two
    females have very young joeys, they all live up on the
    mountain and come down to graze. The joeys are more
    chicken, at the first sight of danger they leap into
    the pouch and let mom handle it. There's an old,
    grey-nosed female that leads a family around. She's
    grouchy and doesn't like people. If she decides to
    move somewhere else, the others listen. Kangaroos can
    also practice suspended gestation, so they can have up
    to four offspring (one in each stage of pregnancy)
    that they can freeze until conditions are good. The
    7-year drought has just broken so there are young roos
    everywhere.

    One of the Cockies comes down and hangs out by the
    porch each night. I named him Rocky the Cocky. I'm
    trying to get him to say "Rat Patrol!" I think I need
    more bribes. They're incredibly intelligent- one
    night we squawked at them with the megaphone, and they
    sent two big males over to yell at us and flash their
    rills, then they all scarpered.

    It's amazing how much this festival is green-crazy.
    They plant a tree for every ticket sold. There's all
    kinds of priveleges for biking to the festival. You
    can purchase a carbon offset for your impact from
    attending. The toilets are composting. All the
    contractors are local, and they've even gotten a
    generator rental company to invalidate their
    warranties by running biodiesel in the gennies- as it
    happens it makes them run better.

    Australia is already suffering from global warming.
    The hole in the ozone layer is strongly apparent. You
    can't be unprotected in the sun for more than a few
    minutes. As a result Australians have a national
    vitamin D deficiency because everyone's afraid of the
    cancerous rays of the sun. Also, the rise in ocean
    temperature is causing the Great Barrier Reef to die.
    Whole stretches of it are bone white and devoid of
    life.

    Back in Canberra, things are quiet. They planned the
    city so that you feel like you're in the bush all the
    time. It's all federal money coming to support this
    tiny city so there's an excess of infrastructure. The
    streets and blocks look like they were plopped down in
    raw bush, you don't see any other cars or people (just
    the occasional public bus), the water pressure is
    great, everything is overgrown with vegetation because
    the drought has broken. Commercial shops are hidden
    inside complexes behind trees so you never see, say, a
    gas station or a quickie mart. It's actually very
    sterile: Each neighborhood has a series of shops at
    the center, where the bank and post and Woolworth's is
    along with a few pubs and chinese restaurants. The
    result is, no matter what neighborhood you're in,
    everything's in the same place. The people ride their
    bikes with their little helmets and give each other
    hugs for hello and nobody has tattoos or speeds and
    everybody uses the green-friendly dish detergent and
    they looooove folksy singer-songwriters. This is
    perfect paradise: Very creepy. I miss the piss in
    the streets, crazy people, bums, gunshots, traffic
    noise, sirens. I saw a guy with a scab the other day
    and I was so happy! Turns out he was a skater.

    Of course, that's just Canberra. A public servant
    town. I got a taste of another type of Australian,
    the Bogan, when the Summer Naturals car show came to
    town (motto: "Burnouts, Beer, and Boobs"). These are
    your equivalent of the American, mulleted, doofwad
    trailer trash and/or suburban X-box Jock: Drunk,
    oafish, monosyllabic, and hostile. We had a blast
    riding around and getting yelled at. Most of them
    yelled "Guhhhhhh-aaaaahhh-yaaaaa-maaaaaayyyy" which is
    the drunken contraction of "Good on ya, mate!" (a
    compliment). But we also got a bunch of comments as
    cheerful and supportive as "Why don't you cunts go
    catch AIDS!". Classy.

    Nancy Porker's dad is a true Australian, though: What
    they call a Cocky. Can fix anything, is tough as
    nails, cusses a lot. The first night I arrived up on
    the mountain he was shooting at a "that damn cormorant
    who's after my trout!" with his shotgun. I met a
    couple of other of these types- think Mick Dundee with
    too much sun, the Aussie hat, a vest, no shoes, at the
    pub- and finally felt at home. They actually came up
    to me and said, "Are you a metalworker?" and the
    ensuing conversation lasted all night. One of them is
    a retired Vietnam Colonel, they play bluegrass, and
    they're really into the U.S. Civil war. Real good ole
    boys.

    And you should see the Utes! (Utility trucks). Huge
    roo bars like bulldozer blades, some hacked on
    homemade bed, and snorkels so you can drive
    underwater. Of course there's a few of what they call
    "Urban Assault Mums" with their SUVs but most of these
    guys NEED that stuff on their car. I'm seriously
    thinking that a great vacation would be to load a
    welder and a few spare parts onto a Land Rover and
    just set out into the bush for a few months.

    One thing that's really struck me here is the invasive
    species. Australia is such an old continent, that's
    been evolving separately for so long, that everything
    looks different. The Eukalyps look different than
    regular deciduous trees. The mammals are all
    marsupial, not placental. Everything we have, they
    have a marsupial version of: Rats, foxes, bats,
    flying squirrels. So when you see an invasive
    species, like a rabbit, they really stick out. They
    have a big problem with rabbits and foxes. Not to
    mention feral cats. There's a guy going around buying
    up huge tracks of bush, fencing them off, and killing
    all the invasive species inside. His philosophy is
    that the environment of Australia, with its droughts
    and forest fires, will eventually kill off the
    invaders and so the natural genetic bank needs to be
    preserved. It's true, too: The place seems like
    paradise but you've got to picture a continent the
    size of the U.S. with the combined freshwater of the
    Missouri- not the Mississippi- river. We're just
    getting into "fire season", and bushfires are
    essential to Eukalyp germination. The kangaroos have
    evolved to survive fires: They instinctively run AT
    the fireline, and jump through it to where it's burnt
    out.

    I went with some guys on a bamboo harvesting trip. We
    drove out into the bush and camped overnight. There
    was a big patch of bamboo there that had been planted
    by settlers and was now bigger than a football field.
    It was hard, hot work. The guy who is going to use
    the bamboo for structures at the festival would select
    his pole and cut it with a chainsaw, then we'd knock
    all the branches off and drag it back to a pile. When
    it got too much we'd jump in the river. No crocs this
    far south, they say. I'm far enough south that there
    aren't any koalas, playtpuses, or crocs, but there are
    plenty of kangaroos, wallabys, wombats, and endless
    parrots.

    Off this weekend to New Zealand to attend/work the
    "Kiwi Burn". I'll try to start a chapter of Rat
    Patrol in Auckland afterwards.
    Saturday, February 16th, 2008
    6:44 pm
    One of the founders of RPOZ has a dad named Mick, and
    it was Mick's dream 20 years ago to create a ski
    resort and bobsled track in the mountains outside of
    Canberra. So Dan aka Nancy Porker grew up in this
    mountain resort, skiing and riding the bobsled. Later
    he added some ziplines and a waterslide for the
    summer.

    Nancy Porker and Limp Jimmy founded the RPOZ, being
    the tinkering types, and a few years later embarked on
    a dream of their own: To create a music and arts
    festival using the amazing location that Mick had
    built. This is why they brought me to Australia: to
    bring a bike element to the festival.

    The location is absolutely gorgeous. It's a mountain
    range, but the trees are all eukalyptus or ash. The
    place is infested with kangaroos and now and then
    you'll see the endangered black-tailed rock wallabee,
    sort of their version of the mountain goat. There is
    a flock of 30 or so cockatoos that live on the site
    and they have a lot of character to say the least.
    Seeing these intelligent, social birds in their
    natural habitat makes me sad to think of the ones in
    cages. Most of the other birds are parrots as well,
    except for the kookaburra, a relative of the
    kingfisher whose cry you'll recognize from any jungle
    movie.

    The Rat Patrol here is small but innovative. I see
    lots of creativity, although it seems to be
    concentrated in certain areas, like unique suspension
    techniques. Canberra is a planned city like D.C. or
    Brasilia, and it has lots of greenways, bike paths,
    and has never had a traffic jam. The club itself is
    extremely positive and caring. I doubt the city would
    ever support a much larger club, so it's like a little
    family.

    Oh- and they all have zipties on the top of their
    helmets. At first I just thought they were weird.
    Turns out that the magpies get really REALLY
    aggressive when they have young. They swoop down and
    peck you with their 3-inch beaks, taking out a chunk
    of ear. They never come from the front, it's either
    from behind or from the sun. So to fool them you
    either put eyes on the back of your helmet, or zip
    ties to make them misjudge the height. Schoolchildren
    walk home from school with paper plates rubber-banded
    to the back of their head, with faces drawn on.
    Adults walk around waving a big stick in a circle in
    the air. If you don't know the cause it seems really
    bizarre.

    Let me say this about Australia: We in the U.S. live
    in a 2nd-world nation. In the last 50 years places
    like Europe and Oz have been spending their money on
    infrastructure, education, mass transit, city
    planning, and preserving the environment. We've just
    been spending it on war, while we allow sprawl to turn
    our towns in to ugly, endless stretches of strip malls
    and check-cashing places. It makes me really sad to
    see what we could be if we cared. Unemployment and
    illiteracy is low, there are no homeless, jobs are
    relaxed, holidays are frequent, drivers are curteous,
    healthcare is cheap, crime is rare. As depressing as
    it is to think of America, it does give me hope that
    things can be done right.

    I've been chopping bikes like mad during the week and
    then heading up into the mountains to do logging work
    and sitework on the weekends. I'm getting pretty good
    with the backhoe and sawmill, and driving dumptrucks
    and landrovers from the wrong side. My first bike
    project is a set of pedal-powered bumper cars, that
    should be a hit at the festival. It's odd to see ads
    for this festival in other festival's programs, with
    me listed among the attractions: "Art Installation
    Residency by Johnny Payphone (US Burning Man
    Festival)".

    Australia's dollar is so valuable because of an
    industrial boom, and so welders and metal polishers
    are on the "desired occupations" list. This means I
    may be able to get a work visa. While the currency is
    about equal, its effective value is double ours, so a
    case of beer costs $36 and the minimum wage is $12.
    If I get work in town I can make about $36/hr, if I go
    out west they pay welders $100k/year. Given that I
    will probably return next year to work Corinbank again
    (and am helping the Cyclecide Circus to book a 2009
    Australia tour), it would be nice to spend my winters
    in Australia where it is summer and make a bunch of
    money to last me through until the U.S. festival
    season.

    As you read this you should also follow along on my
    flickr photostream:

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/68651928@N00/sets/72157603652896200/

    New pictures will be uploaded regularly and I'll keep
    sending these updates along with them.
    Friday, January 18th, 2008
    6:18 pm
    Global Supercontainer Shipping
    The invention of the shipping container has changed the world. Previously ships were unloaded by stevedores bit-by-bit: Casks of wine, crates of goods, etc etc. Now a universal container can be loaded onto ship, train, or truck with relative ease. This has resulted in such phenomena as a) Garments in the Garment District of NYC can be made cheaper in China and shipped there than they can be made down the block, and b) containers washing off of ships and then onto shore, so (for example) 30,000 hockey gloves wash up on the coast of Oregon.

    Supercontainer shipping is the most efficient form of transportation in the world. Every now and then I'll get some causehead environment-weenie saying to me "You're using fossil fuels to ship bikes to Africa, maaan!". The thing is, the carbon footprint of a single container from the U.S. to Africa is equivalent to YOUR exhaling carbon dioxide for two weeks. That's how efficient these ships are. I tell the weenies, "If you'd like to reduce your own carbon footprint, just kill yourself and I'll ship you to Africa- it will produce less carbon than you are by living."

    Add to this the extreme imbalance of trade from the developing world to the consuming world. This means containers pile up in the U.S., so shipping them back is drastically reduced in price. This creates an interesting problem whereby it is more expensive to ship a container across the U.S. than it is to ship one from the U.S. to Africa.

    I ran up against this problem recently while trying to get bikes off the Nevada Ranch that Burning Man LLC owns. This year the hippies left 1500 bikes in the desert. We gave some to the Kiwanis and some to the Paiute Indian tribe, but we still have a big pile of them. BM asked me to get rid of them. I obtained a quote:

    $4290 / 20' - ocean frt Oakland to Tema, Ghana
    $6235 / 40' - ocean frt

    $6056.25 - trucking for 2 roundtrips if you need cntr dropped OR
    $3093.75 - trucking for live load, with 1 hr free for loading. It would
    be additional $65 / hr thereafter

    What this means is that a forty-foot container full of bikes costs $6235 to ship from Oakland to Ghana. Not bad. It'll take six months- the boat will go to Japan, then Hong Kong, then India, etc etc- but it'll get there for about $12 a bike (500 in a container). But shipping the container from Reno to Oakland will cost $6000! "Live load" means the teamster sits there and waits while we load the container. Even so, we're talking $3100.

    That's roughly $10/mile for the 300 miles Reno to Oakland, and $0.78/mile for the 7600 miles from Oakland to Ghana! And I'm talking as the crow flies, not actual miles! That ship's gonna go around Cape Horn.

    Ten times as cheap. Talk about economy of scale.
    Friday, July 27th, 2007
    5:47 am
    Traveling
    Things are pretty uprooted in my life. After almost three years, Pot'n'Rox is dead. Good times and bad times, but memory only retains the good. I lived there longer than anywhere else except my parents'. I packed my stuff into Greg's attic and hit the road, maybe for six months.

    BIKE the film asked me to go to a festival in Hereford, England, where they're showing the movie. I can't make it because of Toasted Dude but a whirlaway film tour to Europe would have been fun.

    Right now I'm in Ohio for my sister's big American wedding (not everybody could make it to Dublin last new year's). I think she's just having a party, no ceremony. But tons of my kin are here. Good to see distant family and be called "Jon-Richard".

    Next, to Nashville, a week with the chapter there. The best chapter of the Rat Patrol except Chicago! Then it's out west to Toasted Dude for six months.

    Then, big news! RPOZ has written me into a grant to bring me to Australia for Corinbank, their own little music and arts festival. I'm going to run a bike club boot camp. I'll spend three months down unda starting in December, sadly missing the Chicago winter. During that time someone else is flying me to New Zealand to start a Rat Patrol in Auckland. It will be March before I'm back in Chicago for good. Wow, traveling till St. Ratrick's day. I'll be back in town for Ratification in early October, though.

    It's been a time for reflection for me, as a recent trip to Arkansas has me quitting the drink and making some changes. Nothing like lonely nights on the road to make you think about things.
    Wednesday, May 30th, 2007
    11:11 am
    I was asked by Steampunk Magazine to write an instructional article on pennyfakething construction. See it here:

    Steampunk Magazine

    issue #2, page 34
    Saturday, April 14th, 2007
    6:43 pm
    Guerilla Floatilla on NPR
    Chicago public radio covered the Guerilla Floatilla, I got a mention. listen to it here. Also, the first segment was an excellent story about the Chicago Flood, you should listen to it too.
    Wednesday, April 4th, 2007
    4:03 pm
    Butler Street Foundry

    I have tried to share the environmental setting of my own Chicago-based steampunk lifestyle in my posts about the steam workshop of my Employer, Bubbly Dynamics, and the general steampunk setting of Chicago:

    http://www.brassgoggles.co.uk/bg-forum/index.php?topic=258.0
    http://www.brassgoggles.co.uk/bg-forum/index.php?topic=961.0
    http://www.brassgoggles.co.uk/bg-forum/index.php?topic=295.0

    Here is another place I like to hang around, in Bridgeport.  A Steampunk contraptionist often finds oneself in need of various metal goods cast, cut, forged, or punched.  For this I go to the Butler Street Foundry.

    Butler Street Foundry was established in 1891.  After WWII, iron pouring was ceased due to new environmental regulations and the foundry turned to ironworking.  A few years back the third-generation owner retired and sold the business to a man who had been blacksmithing there for 10 years.  The new owner opened up the sealed pattern shop and we have been restoring the old machinery and setting the shop back up.  Local art students come and cast aluminum and brass, while the owner is trying to bring this 120 year old business into the artistic/restoration/renovation scene.  The coal-fired forge is used to do custom iron when the work can be found.  The owner is very interested in preserving vintage metalworking methods, however, it is very hard to find anyone under 50 who is into this stuff.  My role here is thus that of an apprentice, learning everything I possibly can.



    Here is the main floor, where 50-ft beams are broken.  Never has the difference between mass and weight been so apparent than when a giant i-beam is swinging from the overhead crane, weightless but not massless.



    Originally all power tools were fed via flatbelt from overhead, with a central steam engine providing the power.  Now only these few pulleys remain as a reminder of how fortunate we are to have outlets everywhere.





    The Blacksmith's Shop

    While I enjoy watching pours, my own interest is in the area of blacksmithing.














    Flatbelt Triphammers

    Butler still uses three of its original triphammers, all Little Giants.  As you can see they have been converted to electricity:

    25lbs

    50lbs

    100lbs- a real floorshaker


    Here you can see the very same tools in use back in the day.  Check out the overhead belts and the fact that a horse is patiently awaiting its shoes.



    See a video of the 50-lb in use.  Watch your fingers!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qe-rIpx8W3Y

    Here are some very fine handmade tools, approximately 100 years old.  The craftsmanship is incredible.




    The Pattern Shop

    The foundry used to employ woodworkers to make the original boiler parts and gears that would then be cast in steel.  Some of the woodworking here is incredible.  The walls are stacked with these wooden originals- flues, manholes, pulleys, gears, flagpole bases, pretty much anything needed.  I've even found the originals for parts they cast for their own machinery, still in use out on the floor.  What a lost art!







    Wow, the old night watchman's clock!  He would have had to use keys hanging around the property to prove he made his rounds, and his supervisor would retrieve a little punched slip of paper from within the clock.

    Gas Hit-n-miss Engines

    A hit-n-miss is a wonderful engine.  It only has one piston, and that piston only fires when it needs to.  So rather than the chugachuga of a four-cylinder engine, its one piston is fired when the flywheel slows to a certain speed and you just hear a POPF! now and then.  These are gasoline fueled, and some hit'n'misses even used mason jars as fuel tanks.  They provide power via a flatbelt PTO.

    Hit'n'miss sawmill:



    A smaller stationary engine:





    Here you see the centrifugal clutch.  The spinning motion keeps the little fobs extended.  When the speed slows and the fobs drop, the piston (at right) is fired.

    Butler Street is a wonderful part of Chicago industrial history!







    Friday, March 16th, 2007
    11:20 pm
    brush with death
    I've had fifteen bike punks staying at my house all week. They came from as far as Portland starting Friday and have been drinking up a storm. On Wednesday, we went on a ride that ended at one of the large bascule-trunnion bridges that Chicago is so famous for. Well, I say the ride "ended" there- but only because "the broken leg hides in the last caper".

    Bascule-trunnion bridges use a pit system, where the bridge's large concrete counterweight sinks down below the level of the river. This allows a five-story bridge to be lifed with a 100 hp motor. Because of the way the bridge lifts, when the bridge goes up all the litter on it rains down into the pit. The pit beneath this bridge was full of 100 years of garbage and whatever sewage from the river had spilled over in high waters:



    To get under this bridge you had to shimmy down a foot-wide ledge and swing around a large spiked gate designed to keep you out. Somehow, one of our guys ("J") managed to make it despite the fact that he was (unknown to us) very, very intoxicated. As the group climbed out over the girders beneath the bridge, J suddenly disappeared from view and fell into the darkness below. The drop was about two stories. Somebody shined a flashlight down there and saw him laying twisted on his back, sinking in the icy garbage water.

    I ran down the stairs to the pit. J was in there laying on a large slab of ice in about four inches of water- the whole pit had frozen over, then begun to melt and was separated from the sides. As I stepped out onto the slab it tilted and began to sink. The smell was awful- it was just like the garbage compactor scene in Star Wars. When I reached him, I tried to help him but he began to clutch at me and drag me down as a drowning person does. We wrestled in the icy garbage water and I stopped trying to help him out and just dragged him out by one arm. I couldn't touch bottom except on the slab.

    We carried him as far as the ledge but he would have to walk the rest of the way. He was sleepy and fading from being in the ice water. We yelled and screamed at him to get up. Eventually he did and somehow we managed to swing him around the gate, grabbing only the bricks for our purchase.

    I happened to have a cargo bike and I carried him and his bike home. We changed his clothes and stayed up with him until we were sure he wasn't concussed. We didn't think he had a broken leg because he wasn't screaming. But the next morning he went to the hospital and they found a broken ankle and vertebrae.

    It wasn't really until the next day that I realized how close he'd come to dying, or how close I came by going in there. If the weather had been a little cooler, he'd have bashed himself to death against a solid ice slab. If the weather had been warmer he'd have broken through the ice when he fell. Needless to say the incident has left me a little shaken.
    Monday, February 19th, 2007
    4:52 pm
    Kasey Turns 30
    Kasey has been my homeskillet since 3rd grade. We grew up in a college town without much for kids to do except explore the steam tunnels and blow stuff up down in the creek. I lived in Oxford, Ohio for 14 years, age 9-24, high school and college. After college he and I spent an amazing summer getting drunk, grilling out, boating, and chasing girls. Then I moved to Chicago and he kept kept doing it for TWELVE YEARS. He turned 30 this weekend- still living in the same beer-sign apartment as he was when he was 18, still drinking at the same college bars where the furniture is bolted down, only now he has a party bus and a ski boat and makes his own wine and so on. He and his friends are the target market of Maxim Magazine. You know, the kind of guys who think that there's one single trick that will get all women to sleep with them, and it's got to be a pressure point on the wrist or something you do with your eyes or something. Little too much spiked hair and suit-jackets, big watches, those kind of guys.

    Drunk from the RIP Anna Nicole ride in Chicago, I took the 3AM greyhound to Ohio. At noon Friday we piled into a Hummer SUV. Not exactly the classiest of conveyances. It was like a bus in there, except there was neon and a karaoke machine (my first time in a Limo). We brought tons of top shelf liqour and the 15 of us (including his 90-year-old grandma, pimpin in the Hummah granny!) to his work to surprise him. Turns out he'd been bitching and whining all week: "Everybody's droppin the ball on my birthday!" "oh, we'll just have a little shindig at my house" says mom. "I've had 29 birthdays in this house, I want to GO SOMEWHERE!" whines Kasey. At his work they had a shitty little heres-your-cake birthday party for him. SURPRISE! What a great idea. If you ever want to surprise someone, first get their work to throw them a shitty heres-your-cake "surprise" party, just to make them feel like crap and also account for any whispers and slipups that the victim might have heard.

    The limo pulls up and he almost shits himself. Out pours a crowd of friends from all over. We pile back in and head down to Cincinnati (or, "the 'nati" as the local chamber of commerce encourages you to say in their cheesy bulletin board campaign).

    At this point I begin a process that will leave me very sick: For some reason, I start drinking all different kinds of liquor. I think it was because people were handing me drinks. Gin, vodka, whiskey, etc etc. I will continue to consume this rainbow of fruit flavors from noon until 3 AM. Despite this massive bender of booze, the most embarrassing thing I do all night is "dance like Justin Timberlake". Fool, I TAUGHT him his moves!

    Kasey makes the limo stop at Costcos and proceeds to buy $1000 worth of digital cameras. He will then use them all night and return them the following Monday.

    First stop: Target world. These tipsy bozos walk into a shooting range and, for $5 gun rental and $8 range fee, they are handed FUCKING GUNS AND BULLETS. You can imagine the looks they were getting from the local redneck NRA types. I shot a .45 Dirty Harry revolver, a Smith and Wesson 9mm (looks like a glock), and a .38 snubnose Saturday Night Special revolver. Having only ever shot with varmit rifles, I found blasting off rounds with a semiauto handgun to be very, very satisfying. No wonder folks back in the ghetto do it so much. Sixteen in the clip and one in the hole, Phone Dogg is about to make some bodies turn cold<

    The one Iraq vet amongst us did not participate, I can only imagine why. The dudes (and dudes they were indeed) of course go for the most showy guns- a shotgun, a magnum, and this HUGE 50 caliber revolver. I left the range when they started off with the big guns, and you can imagine why- these noodle-armed newbies trying to fire a hand cannon and actually hitting the ceiling with the gun when they pull the trigger and it flies upwards in their hands.

    Next stop- a german beer house in lovely Newport, Kentucky. One dude orders a Budweiser- what the hell do you think those big copper tanks are for? They make this big deal about some dobblebock that they can only serve us two mugs of, OOOOOH I surely can't handle A LITER of dobbelbock! Fried pickles were good though. Why, oh why did I start with liquor and then switch to dark beer before getting back into the limo for more liquor?

    Next stop: Dave and Buster's. Then back home to the local upscale townie bar. I see lots of old folks I haven't seen in donkey's years. Then we go to, of all places, The Dirty Dirty (First Run), which is the last-chance nasty booty-bar for the school. This is where I perform alleged Timberlakian dance moves. When the bar closes down Kasey slips into a well-worn routine like putting on an old baseball glove: He hits on women and, if rejected, begs for a ride home. Needless to say we got the ride home.

    The next morning, I feel like Death took a crap on my soul. I start puking so hard my eyes go red, blood blisters break all over my face, that kind of porcelain god prayer that I left behind in that town. Fortunately, a man does not do this nightly for 12 years without being a pro. Kasey hands me an antinausea/antivomiting suppository and a rubber glove. Damn, the guy's prepared. I keister it and an hour later I'm eating fucking chicken wings and drinking a beer. I gotta get some of that stuff.
    Friday, February 2nd, 2007
    10:59 am
    From Dublin to the West Midlands
    New Years in Dublin was a non-event. The only people in the pub who noticed midnight were Americans. You know, running into Americans in Europe was ghastly. No wonder everybody hates us. Note to Americans: Do NOT sing "No Nay Never" if the only words to it you know are "No Nay Never No More" again and again.

    There was much more excitement about the last rugby game at the nearby stadium. P.S. Irish kids are little punkasses (literally screaming with laughter and falling down at the sight of my mustache), but I think American ones are too.

    I visited the National Museum of Transport. I took the train to the end of the line and the walked up a country lane. Pretty soon I was passing through the outer wall of a castle. A sign said, "Private property- no tresspassing- except museum visitors". I kept walking. Half of the castle was falling down and the other half was occupied- I could see a dude in there reading in his study. I went around back where there were three huuuuge barns, each one packed to the brim with buses, trolleys, fire engines, and military equipment. You literally had to squeeze sideways to walk around in there. A woman was reading the paper in the ticket booth. She didn't notice me. I said, "good morning!" and she said, "Oh, I don't work here, I'm just reading the paper. Put your admission on the counter." It was awesome, but the government isn't really interested in supporting that kind of stuff. Basically they said old dudes come in and work on whatever bus was in service when they were young.

    Stacee also dragged me to the National Gallery, and I really appreciate that she did. Got my culture on. I didn't see Bono there looking at a painting of himself like my sister did.

    I was really having a great time with all the different forms of public transporation- double-decker bus, ferry, light rail, interurban rail. We parted ways with my family and took off across the Irish sea on a very large ferry (the kind that has bars and restaurants inside). It landed in Wales and we took a train along the misty Welsh coast down to Ross-on-Wye.
    Saturday, December 30th, 2006
    7:05 am
    Dublin
    Staying in a manor house. Drank some funky cider. Checking out the windey alleys. Rode a bike around looking at graffiti. Hung out with one of the Dubliners in the bar where they got their start. Drank some smokey whiskey. Each day my hangover is met with a traditional Irish breakfast of congealed pig's blood, sheep kidney, and breakfast fish. Found a railbike in an old pub that is just like the one I'm restoring. All the buses are tallbuses here. Headed up into the mountains to visit an ancient monastery and did some gravestone rubbings. Don't see what all the fighting is about- Ireland seems like a red-headed England to me.
    Sunday, December 17th, 2006
    4:12 pm
    Underground City
    it's hard to believe that these are photographs. Some beautiful conduit work, too.



    http://www.funmansion.com/html/Underground-City.html






























    4:12 pm
    Underground City
    it's hard to believe that these are photographs. Some beautiful conduit work, too.



    http://www.funmansion.com/html/Underground-City.html































    </td>
    Saturday, December 2nd, 2006
    12:18 pm
    The First Freakbike?
    Interested parties may enjoy my research article on the origins of freakbiking. Who was the first freakbiker? Fucking Eddie Munster, that's who.
    Thursday, November 9th, 2006
    2:50 pm
    GWAR
    Saw GWAR. Nothing so gay has ever rocked so hard.

    During the show I had a thought: Due to exponential population explosion in the last hundred years, there are probably more Metalheads on Earth than there were, say, Romans.
    Sunday, October 29th, 2006
    12:09 pm
    Hung out in Manhattan at the offices of the Onion. The writers were really funny and down to earth guys from Madison who were surprised at their success. The coolest part was standing in the room with the walls covered in prospective headlines. I tried to come up with one to put up but the best I could do was "Aspiring Weird Al Ghostwriter Has Brilliant Onion Article Too". The writers and I talked about our mutual friend Jim Anchower and the stalled Jim Anchower screenplay.

    Doyle tried to get me to talk to the New York Times but I declined, having learned my lesson from the Village Voice and Vice. Besides, the article was more about Bike Club and its relationship with Burning Man and I didn't feel qualified to speak.

    Bike Kill was utter chaos. Everyone is covered in white from a giant, sore-infested penis that shot drywall mud at 60 psi. Bikes were broken, jumps were jumped, giant foam skulls were tossed at people riding ridiculous contraptions. There were spinout bikes, bonnie-n-clyde threepennyfarthings, buckin broncos, longass pushpin steering bikes, small talls with a 12 inch wheelbase, and pretty much everything else you can think of. There's blood on the sidewalk from a guy who stole Nashville's forty at knifepoint then got a broken bottle in the neck from the bike club, only to kick his way out of the ambulance and into a police beating. A guy bit another guy's ear off in a fight.

    The Rat Patrol had a blast, drinking, dancin, riding around manhattan, even chopping a few bikes.

    Total bikes chopped by Rat Patrol; 3
    Recreational miles ridden by Rat Patrol; Approx 40
    Bikes Killed: 3

    Rat Patrol wins!
    Wednesday, October 18th, 2006
    9:16 pm
    CAPS
    I went to my local cop meeting. It was a lot different than I expected. I thought they'd be all "spraypainting here, dope smoking there". Instead it was like a tactical survival meeting during wartime. Here's where gangs are disputing territory, here's who got shot this week, this gang had a breakfast brunch with that gang (really!). They didn't mention a single crime that wasn't gang warfare. If you live in Chicago- go to your CAPS meeting. It's getting a radar for gunshots. 1400-1600 Rockwell is the hot spot these days in beat 1423, take another street.

    I met a woman who lived at 1400 Washtenaw for 50 years. She said this neighborhood has gone from Norwegian, to Jewish, to Polish, to Hispanic, with mixed in-between.
    Saturday, October 7th, 2006
    9:22 am
    My home is paradise.
    Thursday, September 28th, 2006
    9:48 pm
    Toasted Dude, part III
    Okay, so here's what happened with the bike thing. Previously, they had some creepy old hippy handling the situation in the guise of something we'll call "Trike Guild". He was all, "Here's the shop, and here's the dust free love zone... I'd show you around but sorry, just me and the ladies only". After the party, he'd go around and tell folks it was cool to leave any bike. About 800 were left, either "donated" or stolen and ditched or "dude where's my bike"-ed. Then he'd cherry-pick the good ones and flip them in his bike shop in San Francisco. The bad ones would get sold the next year in Gerlach, right back to returning "toasters". Then Toasted Dude would get slapped with the ugly, costing two grand in dumpster fees last year.

    Recovered wood goes to Habitat for Humanity. The LLC is eager to be a responsible corporation, so the idea of selling a customer's very own bike back to them every year didn't seem right. They handed control of the bike situation over to the bike club and told them they would pay for transportation to Reno of every bike left, as well as fund a yellow bike program for the party. The previous year they'd gone around to the Kiwanis and such but who can store, repair, and distribute 800 bikes? So I was called in as a 'cleaner'. I could take 500 or 1000 bikes, but no more or no less.

    So this year we fixed up 40 bikes and brought them, then picked up all the bikes after the party. We drove around telling people they had to take their own bikes home. There was also rampant looting, as attendees filled the empty space in their trucks (you gotta understand there's a lot of crap laying around after the sun rises, from couches to bags of cocaine). Between these two things the number of bikes came to about 450. No fewer than 60 of them were the Roadmaster "Mt. Fury", the local Target $38.99 special, many with the carboard still in the wheels. I can't imagine how many Target sold that week if 60 of them were left behind. Three of them were choppers and the furry chopper was actually stolen from us. A few of them were really nice, you could tell somebody put some love into them and missed them. One of them had some sort of bolt-on automatic shifter.

    We moved about 300 in the direction of the Kiwanis and the Paiute Indian tribe and the rest were taken back to Reno to become next year's yellow bikes. I didn't get my container but I expect to next year because the yellow bike program won't need to be ramped up. I still wanna put a Rat in Ghana next year, though, so I have to find a container of bikes somewhere...
[ << Previous 20 ]
About LiveJournal.com

Advertisement